Aeroplane
Dugly and his wife went to the State Fair every year. Every year Dugly would say, “I’d like to ride in that aeroplane.” And every year his wife would say, “I know, Dugly, but that aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.” This one year Dugly and his wife went to the fair and Dugly said, “I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that aeroplane this year I may never get another chance.”
“That aeroplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”, replied his wife.
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Dugly and his wife agree and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Dugly, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Dugly replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when my wife fell out, but fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”
Chinese Laundry
A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: “USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!”
The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: “I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!”
Sarcastic Remarks For Work
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
And your crybaby whinny opinion would be…?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cats.
Does your train of thought have a caboose?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
Can I trade this job for what’s behind door number 1?
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I’m wrong.
Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
One Free Wish
A family is driving in their car on a holiday. A frog crosses the road and the husband, who is driving, is able to stop the car. He gets out an takes the frog and carries him to the side of the road. Frog is grateful, thanks the man, and tells him that he will grant him a wish.
Man says: please make my dog win the next dog race.
Frog asks to look at the dog which jumps out of the car. The frog notices that the dog has only got three legs and tells the man that he thinks it is almost impossible to fulfill his wish and asks that the man will tell him another wish. The man says: “Well, then please help that my wife will win the next beauty contest in the area. Frog asks him to tell his wife to get out of the car.
Wife comes out of the car and approaches the frog. The frog turns to the man and says: “Could I please have another look at the dog???”
Cowboy Bob
Cowboy Bob walks into a bar and after two steps in, he realizes it’s a gay Bar.
What the heck,’ he says to himself, ‘I really want a drink.’
When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, ‘What’s the name of your manhood?’
Cowboy Bob says, ‘Look, I’m not into any of that. All I want is a Drink.’
The gay waiter says, ‘I’m sorry but I can’t serve you until you Tell me the name of your willy. Mine for instance is called NIKE, for the Slogan ‘Just Do It.’
That guy down at the end of the bar calls his SNICKERS, because ‘It Really Satisfies.’
Cowboy Bob looks dumbfounded, so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over.
So Cowboy Bob asks the man sitting to his left who is sipping on a beer, ‘Hey bud, what’s the name of yours?’
The man looks back and says with a smile, ‘TIMEX.’
The thirsty cowboy asks, ‘Why Timex?’
The fella proudly replies, ‘Cause it takes a lickin and keeps on Tickin!’
A little shaken, Cowboy Bob turns to two fella’s on his right, who Happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, ‘So, what do you guys call yours?’
The first man turns to him and proudly exclaims, ‘FORD, because ‘Quality is Job One’.’ Then he adds, ‘Have you driven a Ford lately?’ The guy next to him then says, ‘I call mine CHEVY…..’Like a Rock!’… And gives a wink!
Even more shaken, Cowboy Bob has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood.
Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims,’The name of my dikk is SECRET. Now give me a beer.’
The bartender begins to pour Cowboy Bob a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, ‘Why Secret?’
Cowboy Bob says, ‘Because it’s’ STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!!!
Severe disease
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:
“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a happy mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress.
“Don’t discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television.
“And, most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 8 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die,” she replied.
I like your thinking
A teacher asks her class, ”If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?” She calls on little Johnny. ”None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.”
The teacher replies, ”The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.” Then Little Johnny says, ”I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?”
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, ”Well I suppose the one that’s gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.”
”The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on…but I like your thinking.’
Fishing secret
Samuel Jones was a game warden who always had a watchful eye on all those who came to fish. He had noticed on quite a few occasions, that a redhead named Billy caught more fish than the others. While the others managed to catch three or four fish, Billy’s boat was always full with a variety of fish. So one day, Samuel Jones asked Billy the secret of his success.
The redhead invited the game warden on his boat and asked him to observe for himself. Samuel Jones agreed and the next morning, the two met at the dock and took off in Billy’s boat. When they got to the middle of the lake, Billy took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and flung it in the air. The explosion shook the lake with such power that several fish died and began to surface.
Billy threw a net into the water and began to scoop them up. Samuel Jones, open-mouthed, was too shocked to react. When he regained his composure, he began shouting at Billy, “Do you realize what you are doing?? You are so dead. You are going straight to jail and will rot there for the rest of your life!”
Billy, meanwhile, lit another stick of dynamite and tossed it in the lap of Samuel Jones and said coolly, “Are you going to sit there all day cribbing, or are you going to fish?”