Jordan Hale’s Used Cars
Stella, an elderly lady, had finished shopping at Kmart and was walking back home when she passed the shop of a used car dealer with the sign “Jordan Hale’s Used cars”.
Stella’s bag of groceries was particularly heavy that day and she felt she could do with a used car when she went shopping and save herself a lot time and body pain. So she walked into the office of the owner and told him she needed a car. Jordan, the owner asked her what kind of car she wanted and she replied, “Well, son, I can’t remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hatred or rage.”
Jordan replied, “Hmmm…..I guess you are talking about a Plymouth Fury! We have a few in our collection. What color would you like?”
Stella had some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reached into her shopping bag, took out an ear of corn, stripped down the shucks and said, “I want this color.”
Jordan replied, “Ma’am I’m sorry, but we don’t have any in this color. Could I show you a nice green one?”
Stella, a little irritated, insisted “No, I want this color.”
Jordan tried to reason, “But ma’am, the company didn’t make that color! Maybe a violet one would suit you?” said Jordan, obviously worried about losing a prospective customer. By this time, Stella was really mad and started throwing things at Jordan, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the parking lot. One of the salesmen, who came into the office from the back door, noticed the commotion and asked the receptionist what the old woman was so upset about.
The receptionist replied, “Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman’s corn!”
Passionate
Two police officers saw an old woman staggering down the street, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home. They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunk woman.
As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, “You’re Passionate.”
They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, “You’re Passionate.”
The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, “Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven’t told us where you live!”
She replied, “I keep trying to tell you, you’re passin it!”
I would like to be six again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favourite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’
Moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong =))
Peanuts
An old lady offers the bus driver some peanuts…so the driver happily munches them. Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts..
Driver: Why don’t you eat them yourself?
Old lady: I can’t chew. Look, I have no teeth..
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old lady: Oh, I just love the chocolates around them!”:D=D=))
A young lady in the maternity
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
“I’m afraid I don’t have a husband” she replies
“O.K. do you have a boyfriend?” asks the Midwife “No, no boyfriend either.”
“Do you have a partner then?”
“No, I’m unattached, I’ll be having my baby on my own.”
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black”
“Well,” replies the girl. “I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black.”
“Oh, I’m very sorry,” says the midwife, “that’s really none of my business and I’m sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair.”
“Well yes,” the girl again replies, “you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” the midwife repeats, “that’s really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes.”
“Well yes,” continues the girl, “I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice.”
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
“Well thank fuck for that !”
“What do you mean?” says the midwife, shocked.
“Well,” says the girl extremely relieved, “I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!”